The Chronicles of Boredom
by CindyandSandy
Summary: From the vaults of Cindy and Sandy.
1. Vacuuming Ladybugs

Title: Chronicles of Boredom

Authors: Cindy and Sandy

Rating: PG-13

Story 1-Vacuuming Ladybugs

Disclaimer: You can barely count this as a story, but we clearly don't own anything here except the marvelous plot and the sex appeal spray. If you steal that, we'll sue your asses.

_A/N: We started writing this in the summer of our 7th grade year and we are now freshmen in college. If you want a good laugh, read this, because it sucks ass. You will only like this if you like twisted, retarded comedy. Read it, bastard. Bear with us in the first story. It sucks hardcore. The second is better. All the stories are connected too._

August 6th

Tuesday

8:23 am

Sitting in office

Mulder: I'm bored. What should we do?

Scully: I have no clue.

Mulder: It's not a case, Scully. There aren't any clues.

Scully: I have a cure for our boredom…

Mulder: ((looks interested)) What?

Scully: A LOVE QUIZ!

Mulder: A love quiz!

Scully: Yes, and I have one in my YM magazine ((pulls out magazine))

Mulder: Oh brother.

Scully: First question, what part of your body would you say people like about you? A) ears, B) toes, C) neck, or D) eyes?

Mulder: Mine's not on there.

Scully: You have to pick one…

Mulder: Why?

Scully: Are you two years old?

Mulder: No.

Scully: Then pick one.

Mulder: You go first.

Scully: You.

Mulder: You.

Scully: Fine! I'd say...

Mulder:((cough)) eyes ((cough))

Scully: Eyes ((glares))

Mulder: There, you said it. Mine is ears because I keep them squeaky clean. ((rubs ears. squeak, squeak))

Doggett:((appears)) Can I play?

Mulder and Scully: NO!

Doggett:((runs away crying and goes to Skinner))

Scully: Anyway. Next question. How many close friends do you have of the opposite sex? A) 0, B) 1-5, C) 5-10, D) 10. Um...B) I have 2

Mulder: Um, how do you get just two? I have lots. Over ten. Does Doggett count as one?

Scully: No.

Mulder: It's still over ten.

Scully: Next. A day after the date ends the person usually A) Calls you, B) Sends flowers, C) Ignores you completely, D) Ends up making you breakfast

Mulder: Hmmm I'd say—

Scully: I get to go first, moron. I'd say C.

Mulder: Why C?

Scully: You're way too protective of me, Mulder.

Mulder: I say D.

Scully: That's what I figured. What kind of gum do you chew? A) sugar free extra, B) Big Red, C) Dentyne Ice, D) Chiclets. Mine is A.

Mulder: Sugar free extra! That's so boring! Oh, no wait! Nevermind, that fits you.

Scully:((gives the look))

Mulder: I say C.

Scully: Do you check out members of the same sex? A) Never (what do you take me for? A pervert?), B) Yes (of course, I'm gay), C) No (I'm blind), D) Yes (but just to compare their body to mine (and I'm jealous)). I say D.

Mulder:...((stares with mouth open))

Scully: What?

Mulder:((fly flies in Mulder's mouth and he chokes on it)) WHAT ARE YOU? A PERVERT?

Skinner:((runs in)) I heard that! ((runs out))

Scully: Are you gonna answer the question or what?

Mulder: A! I'm not a pervert...Some of the time...

Scully: Next question. What type of movies do you watch? A) Romance, B) Sci-Fi/Horror, C) Comedy, D) I don't watch movies! I'm blind! I told you that in the last question!

Mulder: Horror? I'm too scared to watch horror, but I like sci-fi, so...B.

Scully: NOOO! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO ANSWER YET! I choose A...

Mulder: Figures...

Scully: NEXT question. Do you believe in love at first sight? A) Yes, I believe everything, B) No, that's for babies, C) Yes, right now I have 2.5 million crushes, D) I'M BLIND, ALREADY! Mines B...

Mulder: Mines A! I BELIEVE!

Scully: Everything.

Mulder: Huh?

Scully: Nothing, next question: where are you ticklish? A) Everywhere, B) Armpits, C) Knees/Feet, D) I'm not...Mines C.

Mulder: I prefer not to release that information...

Scully: You have too!

Mulder:((unwillingly)) But I might regret it later.

Scully: You want me to tickle you and find out NOW?

Mulder: NOOOOO! A.

Scully: Really? Next question! Are you kind to blind people? A) No, and apparently YM magazine wasn't either, B) Yes, I'm perfect, C) Yes, because I steal their dogs and they force me to, D) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE! I AM BLIND! Mines B.

Mulder: You're far from it. Mine's C.

Scully: I heard that. Next. What's your favorite season to check out the opposite sex? A) Summer-every guy/girl is half nakie, B) Fall-guys/girls clash nicely against the falling leaves, C) Spring-because guys/girls look so cute playing with little bunny wabbits, D) Winter-cuz guys/girls like to snuggle wif me. Mine's D.

Mulder: A, A, A, go A!

Scully: How well do you get along with your co-workers? A) good, we is all friends, B) Not at all, everyone's my boss, C) Quite well, I'm sleeping with some of them, D) I'm blind, what, are you blind? I don't work! I say A.

Mulder: Really? I'd say...C.

Scully: What! Who!

Mulder: Is that any of your business?

Scully: Yes, you're my best friend.

Mulder: Really? I'm touched. But no...

Scully: Fine, you're not my friend at ALL!

Mulder: Really? I'm too...WAIT A SECOND! No...

Scully: FINE! Let's just look at our results...I'm in the lowest category.

Mulder: HA!

Scully: ...Romance Retard-you don't understand love, you have never loved anyone, and no one has ever loved you. No one will probably ever love you. You're really boring! Get your act together. Get some tips from a pro...Someone in the middle category, Loverbug, or the high category, Romance Royalty.

Mulder: Wow, sorry Scully. What category am I in?

Scully: I don't want to tell you...you'll rub it in my face...

Mulder: This is the only quiz I've ever aced!

Scully: Surprise, surprise.

—That night—

((Scully is vacuuming ladybugs from her apartment. She doesn't hear the knock on the door, the key turning the bolt, or the opening))

Mulder: Scully...What are you doing?

Scully:((Pulls vacuum behind back)) Nothing.

Mulder: YOU WERE VACUUMING LADYBUGS!

Scully:((panics)) No?

Mulder: Yes. ((falls over laughing))

—1/2 an hour later—

Mulder:((gasping for breath. Holds up hand)) OK. OK. Maybe I can breathe now... ((stands up and sees her holding the vacuum and starts laughing again))

Scully: Stop it. ((goes and puts vacuum cleaner away))

Mulder:((continues to laugh))

Scully: SHUT THE F-CK UP!

Mulder:((stops)) Sorry I caught you in your dirty habit, but don't take it out on me!

Scully: Go away! Jeeze!

Mulder: Fine! It's not my fault! You're always doing stupid things you don't want me to know about!

Scully: Like what?

Mulder: Like visiting dirty websites on the internet.

Scully: Well...but...I...um...so...How'd you know?

Mulder: Doggett tells me after he checks them out.

Scully: Aren't you man enough to check them out yourself?

Mulder: No! I'm not WOMAN enough!

Scully: Go home little boy!

Mulder: I'm older than you! And I'm leaving!

Scully: Good!

Mulder: Good!

((door slams))

—Next day—

((Scully walks in office and glares at Mulder))

Scully:...

Mulder:...

((Scully makes HOT coffee and ACCIDENTLY walks over to Mulder's desk and INTENTIONALLY spills it on his pants))

Scully:((sarcastically)) Oops...My bad.

Mulder:((pulls out extra pants)) I was prepared for that...

Scully:((grabs Mulder's coffee and pours it on his clean pants))

Mulder: I wasn't prepared for that...Maybe we need a truce. I don't have any clean pants.

Scully: And that was the last cup of coffee. ((sits on his desk)) Truce?

Mulder: Truce!

((They sit there for a few minutes in ceiling silence))

Scully: There's a ladybug on the ceiling...

Mulder: I know, I've been fighting the temptation to get the vacuum cleaner out.

((she attempts to slap him))

((He grabs her arm and pulls her to the floor))

—END—


	2. Somebody is gonna Die!

Title: Chronicles of Boredom

Authors: Cindy and Sandy

Rating: PG-13

Story 2-Somebody is gonna Die!

Disclaimer: You can barely count this as a story, but we clearly don't own anything here except the marvelous plot and the sex appeal spray. If you steal that, we'll sue your asses.

Mulder: Champion!

Scully: So!

Doggett:((walks in)) I saw a prostitute in the hallway!

Reyes:((runs in)) I am not a prostitute, you moron. ((tackles Doggett to the floor))

Mulder: Mud wrassaling!

((Reyes stops, stands up, clears throat, and leaves room))

((All pause))

Reyes:((runs back in and skids to a stop, turns to Doggett)) Just because we slept together and you paid me for it, it doesn't make me a prostitute!

Mulder: Well, legally, it does.

Reyes: Shut up...or...or...I'll...I'll sue. ((ladybug flies in her mouth. Starts gagging))

Doggett: I know CPR!

Reyes:swallows: Don't touch me, you man-whore!

Doggett: I've only done that once! And it was for tickets to a Lions game!

Mulder: Lions suck!

Doggett: Who said that!

((Scully laughs so hard she falls out of her chair and hits her head on the floor, unconscious))

This is her dream:

Doggett: Was it you, Mr. Poster? Did you say that Lions suck?((runs at the poster and rips it off the wall in half and runs out the door))

Mulder:((picks up the pieces and hugs them)) No! Not my baby!

Doggett:((appears)) I got Skinner's head stuck in a urinal!

Mulder: You should save him! You could get fired! I know PCR!((heads to the door))

Doggett: What's PCR?

Mulder:((stops in mid-stride. His head turns completely around making crackly noises)) Pancreases Can Rupture. ((His head goes back into place with more crackly noises and he leaves))

Doggett:((runs after singing the smurf song))

—5 Minutes Later—

((Doggett and Mulder come back without success))

Doggett: Poor old bald man. He was born in a urinal naked and he's gonna die in a urinal naked.

((All of the sudden they see a butt in the doorway and the top of a bald head with a red ring on it))

Scully: No!

Mulder:...((blinks))

Doggett:((drop of drool runs down his chin))

Reyes:((stares blankly, then shakes head)) That is so morbid!

((Skinner farts then runs down the hallway giggling like a little girl))

Doggett:I need a gas mask!((starts running in a circle))

((Reyes starts running in the same circle))

Mulder: I bet $20 on Doggett.

Scully: You're on.

—3 hours later—

Doggett:((trips on Mulder's desk)) NO!

Mulder: NO!

Reyes:((trips on Doggett)) NOO!

Scully: Yay, I won! Pay up Lovaboy!

Mulder:((gets confused)) Why, where, and how?

Doggett:((stands up)) I'm pregnant! ((points at belly, realizes hes NOT pregnant. Grabs all of Mulder's office supplies off of his desk and shoves it up his shirt. Smiles)) Look, Mom, I'm a liquid! (("Flows" out the door, dropping a stapler and a thing of post-it notes on the way))

Scully: But I want to get pregnant.((Looks at Mulder))

Mulder: Uh, uh. No way.

Doggett: ((comes back in, in a Betty Boop costume)) Boop, boop, bedoop, boop! ((leaves again and comes back as normal self, looking serious))I'm done.

Scully:...

Mulder: YOU INTERUPTED OUR MOCK-ARGUMENT!

Doggett:((turns to side, puts hand on his hip and flips the other at Mulder. Talks like a valley girl))You watch to much TV.

((Music starts playing))

Scully: Oh, God.

Doggett: F is for friends who do stuff together. U is for you and me. N is for anywhere and anytime at all, down here in the deep blue sea.

((Music stops))

Scully:((turns around to see Mulder standing on his desk with a waste basket on his head))

Mulder:((breathes like Darth Vador)) Scully, I am your partner.

Doggett:((screams))((screams))((screams))((screams))((continues to scream))

Mulder:((pulls was basket off)) It's just me!

Doggett:((stops))((screams repetitively))

—Scully wakes up in hospital—

Scully:((looks around, sees every one in her dream, except one unknown critter))

Mrs. Blair: Oops, wrong story. ((leaves))

Doggett: That's more interesting than Reyes's underwear drawer.

Reyes:((bitch slaps him))

Doggett: I'VE BEEN BITCH SLAPPED!((runs away crying))

Skinner:((Pogosticks after him))

Scully: Am I still dreaming?

Mulder: No. Skinner bought it at the gift shop.

Scully: oh.

Reyes: I better go see if Doggett is OK. I bitch slapped him pretty hard.

Scully: OK.

Mulder:((sits down)) Have good dreams?

Scully: Well, not really.

Mulder: What happened?

Scully: Doggett got Skinner's head stuck in a urinal.

Mulder: I don't want to know anything else please.

Scully: OK.

—2 Days later in Scully's Apartment—

((There is a knock at Scully's door))

Scully:((Answers it, Skinner stands there)) Yes, Sir?

Skinner:((hands her a shirt that has a tag that says made in Mexico. The shirt has blood on it))

Scully: Oh, my God, is Doggett OK?

Skinner: Well, yes. He is in mint condition.

Scully: Who's shirt is this? Who got hurt? Are they OK?

Skinner: Doggett's. Mulder. No.

Scully:((gasp)) Mulder's hurt? How?

Skinner:((gasp)) Yes. Doggett.

Scully: Did Doggett hurt Mulder?

Skinner:((gasp)) Doggett hurt Mulder? Oh my gosh! ((runs out door, dropping something))

Scully:((grabs what he dropped. It's a bolt)) Hmm... ((cell phone rings and she grabs it and answers)) Hello.

Reyes: Dana, have you seen Doggett? I woke up and he wasn't there and neither was Mulder!

Scully: What do you mean they weren't there?

Reyes: Well, I mean, I called Doggett's house and he wasn't there...

Scully: And Mulder?

Reyes: Well, I looked over and he wasn't there.

Scully:((starts pushing buttons on phone so Reyes doesn't hear her cussing. She stops))

Reyes: I something wrong agent Sc—

Scully:((hangs up, growls)) Somebody is gonna die tonight. ((looks over at clock to see it is 1:00 am)) CRAP! Somebody is gonna die today!((smiles))

—Meanwhile—

Doggett: I'm tied to a chair and I can't see.

Mulder: YOU JUST REALIZED THAT, MORON. WE'RE ALL TIED TO CHAIRS AND WE ALL CAN'T SEE!

Skinner: I'M NOT TIED TO A CHAIR! THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Mulder: YOU'RE HERE TOO? WHY DID YOU GUYS TALK? I thought I was alone...It was my thinking time!

Skinner: What where you thinking about?

Mulder: That is confidential!

Doggett: I know what you where thinking about. I was thinking the same thing.

Mulder: Sex?

Doggett:((starts to cry)) No. ((continues to cry))

Skinner: Agent Mulder, that is not appropriate...((runs into something)) Why are you guys sitting in the middle of the room? I'm trying to walk around here!

Mulder:((sounds pissed)) What?

Doggett:((stops crying))

Skinner: Well...

Mulder: You have been walking around this whole time!

Skinner: Well, yeah, I'm not gonna sit down!

Mulder:((Mumbles)) Somebody is going to die tonight...or today.

—Meanwhile—

Scully:((approaches Reyes's house, prepares to knock on door. Door opens, a smiling Reyes stands there))

Reyes: Hi, Agent Scully. How are you?

-Scully imagines-

Scully:((pulls out shotgun and shoots Reyes 7 times for good luck. Reyes falls to the ground lifeless. Scully does a merry dance around her bloody body, flames start to surround Reyes's body, Scully laughs evilly...))

-Back to the real world-

Scully: I'm fine, Agent Reyes ((smiles))

Reyes: Come on in...((They both step in and walk to the kitchen))

Scully: Reyes, you need to go to the bathroom...RIGHT NOW!

Reyes: I DO? I better go!((bolts for the bathroom))

Scully:((Starts searching through drawers. Spies badge. Pulls out lighter. Starts to burn badge)) I hope Reyes doesn't miss her badge. ((spies picture)) OH CRAP! THIS IS MULDER'S! ((starts trying to blow out fire)) He's going to kill me! He just bought this leather ID/badge holder! ((start to bang it on a table, fire doesn't go out. Starts to jump on it, fire goes out)) Good thing badges are indestructible. And only a corner of the case is burned so...

—Meanwhile—

Mulder: Well, now that the door is OPEN and we are FREE and WALKING AROUND we can leave.

((Suddenly Reyes and Scully appear chasing a Skinner. After 5 minutes of Mulder, Scully, Reyes, Skinner, and Doggett cornering Skinner...))

Doggett: There are two Skinners!

Mulder and Scully:((slaps foreheads))

REAL SKINNER: Ha ha!

FAKE SKINNER: Ha ha!

Reyes: This other Skinner is indestructible!

Scully: Well yeah, he's a Stainless Steel Skinner!

Mulder: Wait a minute!

Scully: What?

Mulder: SEX!

Scully: SEX IS WHAT GOT US ALL HERE!

Doggett:((starts to cry. His tears short circuit the SSS))

Mulder: You got him!

Doggett: YAY!

—LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE—

—END—


	3. Turn Off the Light

Title: Chronicles of Boredom

Authors: Cindy and Sandy

Rating: PG-13

Story 3-Turn Off the Light

Disclaimer: You can barely count this as a story, but we clearly don't own anything here except the marvelous plot and the sex appeal spray. If you steal that, we'll sue your asses.

((Scully is at home thinking about her "problem". She decides to take action))

Scully: I AM NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS ANY LONGER! I am not getting any sex and I don't like it!

((She grabs her keys, her BLACK jacket, and heads to her BLACK car to go to BLACK—er...—Wal-Mart. While at Wal-Mart, she buys a book called Sex for Dummies, which she completely forgets she buys when she sees the nice BLACK sports jackets, BLACK sunglasses, BLACK shoes, BLACK pants, BLACK tank tops, BLACK hair ties, BLACK writing utensils, BLACK people, BLACK wrapping paper, BLACK paper, BLACK bedspreads, BLACK office chairs, BLACK underwear, BLACK bras, BLACK spam in a can, BLACK tampons, BLACK contacts, BLACK leather whips, BLACK eye liner, BLACK cosmetics, Whorshipping the Color Black Magazine, BLACK children's toys, BLACK CDs, BLACK briefcases, and last, and most certainly least, Mulder's Christmas gift, a BLACK ID/badge case, since she burnt the corner of the old one. She gets Doggett a Pretty Pretty Princess game, which he has been asking for ever year since he was just a little boy. She didn't get Reyes anything, because she was mad at her. She didn't get Skinner anything either, she still wasn't sure if it was the real one or the mechanical one))

—Later at her apartment—(x-mas eve)

((She sat wrapping Christmas gifts for herself—and various others. Knock on door))

Scully: ((stands up and spots book in corner. She panics and grabs it. She runs into bedroom and shoves it in drawer. Calmly walks to door and opens it))

Reyes: ((stands smiling, holding out a beautifully wrapped present with a big BLACK bow))

Scully: ((takes it, sets it neatly on her coffee table, walks back over to Reyes, smiles)) Jee, thanks, but, awww, guess what! I didn't get you anything! Wonder why... ((pretends to ponder))

Reyes: Agent Scully, are you getting at something?

Scully: YES! I've been getting at something for three months!

Reyes: Such as?

Scully: ((groans, slams door in her face, sits on couch, pouts))

—24 hours later—

Scully: ((wakes up on couch)) I'm bored, I should call Mulder ((calls Mulder, no answer, calls Doggett, no answer, calls Mom, Skinner, Cancerman, Krycheck, and even Mr. T, NO ANSWER!)) What is up! ((sighs)) I have no choice... ((calls Reyes))

Reyes: Reyes & Company.

Scully: Monica, um, ((hears lots of people and obnoxious music in background)) did I interrupt something?

Reyes: Just the FBI Christmas party.

Scully: I wasn't invited.

Reyes: I know.

Scully: WHAT!

Reyes: So what'd you want? I'm supposed to be licking whipped cream off of a guy's nipples right now, so if you could hurry this up...

Somebody in the background: Take it off, take it all off!

Scully: Was that my mother?

Reyes: Yes. WHAT DO YOU WANT!

Scully: Is Mulder there?

Reyes: Hold on.

Scully: ((hears Reyes: "FOX MULDER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE." Mulder: "WHAT! I'M BUSY!" Reyes: "Scully's on the phone." Mulder: "Oh..."))

Mulder: Hey, Scully, WHASSUP!

Scully: ...

Mulder: What makes you so cheery?

Scully: ((angrily)) HAVING FUN?

Mulder: Well, actually I'm having a wonderful—

Scully: I know! I'm going to come over there and if you are not standing outside when I get there I will personally go and kill you in front of the entire bureau and some prostitutes!

Mulder: What was that, I wasn't listening.

Scully: I'M GONNA BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES. YOU BETTER BE READY!

Mulder: But I've got a girlfriend waiting and—

Scully: ((hangs up))

Mulder: WHERE'S MY PANTS? She's coming in five minutes!

Reyes: She's not coming in is she!

Mulder: Not if we find my pants!

-Everyone starts looking for his pants-

Doggett: Here you can have my pants. I don't need them right now. ((hands them to Mulder))

Mulder: There they are! ((drops Doggett's pants and runs to his, backs into corner))

Somebody: We need a sacrifice.

-Everyone starts chanting "sacrifice"-

Somebody else: It's him she wants! ((points at Mulder))

Mulder: ((panicky)) WHAT!

((a bunch of people grab him and throw him out the door and lock it))

Mulder: ((starts banging on door)) No, let me back in. Lemme back in! ((Turns around)) Hi Scully.

Scully: ((grabs his arm and squeezes until she sees blood. Starts to yank him towards car. Shoves him in car, drives away))

Mulder: Where are we going?

Scully: To my place.

Mulder: That's not safe.

Scully: Not to you!

Mulder: Why must you hurt me so?

Scully: Because you're having fun and I'm not.

Mulder: I'll stop having fun if you let me go back.

Scully: Only if I go with you.

-THIS IS WHEN MULDER COMES UP WITH A DEVIOUS PLAN. YES, A PLAN SO EVIL, SO HORRIFYING THAT EVEN SCULLY COULDN'T THINK OF IT-

Mulder: OK.

Scully: What? You will let me go?

Mulder: Of course, why not? I've got nothing to loose right?

Scully: Well... ((Scully U-turns in front of three cars and goes straight through the median))

—After the ruined party (ruined by Scully, of course)—

((Scully sits alone in her apartment))

Scully: Why does everyone hate me so? I have to go pee. I have to visit my non-loving family. I wish I had eggnog. I wonder if I'm on Santa's good list or bad list. I'm probably on his people that don't get presents anyway because they're stupid list. That's the list I was on last year. Mulder told me so. I wish I had friends that liked me and wouldn't throw sacrifices at me every holiday. Mulder's a cheap sacrifice anyway. They could have done better. I remember last year when I had lots of eggnog and I got sick and had to stay home on the holidays and Mulder tired to cheer me up and dressed like and elf and I puked on him and he ran away screaming. Then Doggett cam to see what was wrong and he already looked like an elf with the pointy ears and all so I puked on him too. He fainted. It was sooo worth it. Doggett sucks. So does Mulder...SO DOES REYES! AHHHH! ((Runs to bedroom pulling out her hair and runs into dresser, knocking it over and throwing all the contents on to the floor. There on her lap lies the Sex for Dummies book. She opens it.))

This is what it says:

So you want to be attractive, eh? Well, before you enter you should know this, you cannot be short or have red hair or go psycho on the holidays.

((turns page))

JUST KIDDING! We have three simple words for you!

SEX APPEAL SPRAY

BOUGHT THIS BOOK AT WAL-MART, RIGHT! Did you happen to look on the shelf beside it? There would be a little bottle that looks nothing like this primitive drawing.

ll

l--l

(actual size)

One spray lasts a lifetime.

((turns page))

SO GO BUY IT, STUPID!

((drops book, runs out door))

—at Wal-Mart—

Scully: ((runs towards shelf, Mulder dives into her path causing her to trip))

Mulder: Why are you at Wal-Mart on this fine day?

Scully: Um...why are you here?

Mulder: I forgot your present.

Scully: ((scowls)) Well, I got your's a long time ago.

Mulder: Oh,...no, seriously, Scully. What are you doing here?

Scully: Buying black things!

Mulder: ((shakes head)) Why'd I even ask? ((walks away))

Scully: ((waits for him to get out of sight. Runs towards shelf, notices the 2 for the price of 1 deal. Grabs two bottles and runs towards cashier))

Cashier: That'll be $100 please.

Scully: But it's 2 for the price of 1!

Cashier: I know.

Scully: ((growls))

Cashier: Ok. I'll give it to you for $50.

Scully: YAY! ((throws the money at him and runs towards the men's department. She pours it all over herself))

-suddenly men's heads start popping out above clothes racks to stare at her-

Scully: ((calmly walks out of men's department. Leaves store and walks down street and a car crashes. She goes up to him to see if he is alright)) Are you ok, Sir?

Man: ((drops his jaw and nods))

Scully: O...K...((Backs away from car, runs towards apartment building. When she gets inside she locks all doors and windows and stands in middle of living room panting))

Mulder: ((pokes out head from bathroom door)) You're looking nice today, Scully.

Scully: ((starts shaking uncontrollably))

Mulder: You ok, Scully?

Scully: Side effect.

Mulder: Oh...no, seriously, what's wrong? Hey! De ja vu!

Scully: Mulder, leave!

Mulder: You're not going psycho again are you?

Scully: ((nods slowly))

Mulder: ((backs as far away from her as possible and bolts out the door))

-The door starts to shake. Mulder panicks on the other side. He hears her scream. Mulder whimpers-

Scully: I know you are there! Leave!

Mulder: No I'm not! Crap! ((leaves))

Scully: ((wonders why the spray had no effect on him. Finds bottle and reads fine print))

Will not work on friends as this diagram shows:

Friend Lover

V

Enemy

As you can see...this shows that you cannot go from friend to lover.

Scully: Damn. I have an idea!

—Next day at office—

Scully: All I have to do is make Mulder hate me then love me.

Mulder: ((walks in))

Doggett: ((walks in)) My, Agent Scully, you look radiant today.

Scully: Doggett, we're just friends aren't we?

Doggett: Yes.

Scully: Thank god. Now go sit outside.

Doggett: OK. ((Walks to door, sits on floor in doorway))

Scully: Mulder, I was the one who burnt your badge and ID case.

Mulder: WHAT! I HATE YOU!

Scully: Here's your Christmas present!

Mulder: OH JOY! ((unwraps present)) It's a new badge/ID case! I LOVE IT! ((looks up. Eyes get wide, mouth falls open))

Scully: What's wrong, Mulder?

Mulder: You're glowing.

Scully: ((looks down)) No I'm not.

Doggett: ((storms in)) YOU BURNT MULDER'S ID/BADGE CASE!

Scully: But...No...I was just joking.

Doggett: Fair enough. ((walks out))

Scully: ((sighs. Mouths thank you. Turns around to see Mulder staring at her, drool forming on the corner of his lips))

Mulder: You look like pretty angel.

Scully: ((gets confused)) Are you under my total influence?

Mulder: ((nods))

Scully: ((smiles evilly)) Go kill Reyes.

Mulder: ((runs out door))

Scully: ((hears Reyes scream)) What a moron, I didn't think he'd try to kill her in an FBI building. ((hears an unidentifiable scream, peaks out door, sees Mulder being tackled by a bunch of men and Reyes pointing and laughing at him)) Let him go!

-the men let go and smush themselves in the elevator-

Mulder: ((stands up))

Reyes: ((kicks him in the nuts))

Mulder: ((falls on floor in pain)) OUCH! THAT HURT! I MAY NEED THAT! I WANT A FEW MULDER JR.S RUNNING AROUND CALLING ME DADDY!

Reyes: I know a way to prevent that. ((kicks him in the nuts again and walks away))

Scully: Mulder, you suck! ((goes in office))

—A few minutes later—

Scully: I wonder if he is OK. ((peeps out in hallway to see that Mulder is gone. She goes upstairs to look for him and runs into Skinner))

Skinner: HELLO, AGENT SCULLY!

Scully: Hello sir.

Skinner: Will you wax my head for me?

Scully: But sir...

Skinner: Your job is riding on this...

Scully: You won't fire me.

Skinner: No but...

Scully: ((Stomps away. Suddenly Mulder glides by her in an office chair, tied down with ties))

Scully: Mulder! What are you doing? Stop messing around!

Mulder: ((mumbles from being gagged with a tie))

Scully: SPEAK ENGLISH! ((rolls him into the elevator. She rips the tie out of his mouth))

Mulder: THANK GOD! I couldn't breate!

Scully: You were breathing perfectly fine in the hallway! Enough to be rolling around in the office chair!

Mulder: Those mean guys that beat me up in the hallway tied me with their ties! Then they pushed me down the hallway! Then you came up and shoved me in the elevator and took the tie off and asked me what happened. Then I told you about the mean men that beat me up in the hallway and—

Scully: ((interrupts him by taking her gun out and pointing it at him)) Continue and I will kill you!

Mulder: But I was just telling you about the mean men in the hallway that beat me up then later tied me to the chair and pushed—

Scully: ((makes a clicky noise with the gun))

Mulder: ((shuts up))

-They get off the elevator and get in the office, Scully dragging him by the chair-

Doggett: What happened?

Mulder: Well, there were these mean men that beat me up in the hallway. Then they tied me to a chair with their ties and—

Scully: ((gets her gun out again))

Mulder: I stopped.

-END-

_A/N: Once again...this is not really the end...there is much more, this we can promise to our one reader. Keep in mind this was written 5 years ago. There is A LOT. There are at least 5 stories already, not to mention if we decide to go on. This insanity may never end...it's just all the typing, typing, typing. It never stops. We originally have it written completely on paper, taking over a whole notebook. Must go. Must type! (also the sex appeal spray was originally drawn and it is VERY hard to recreate that on a computer)_


	4. The Day We Got a Flat Tire

Title: Chronicles of Boredom

Authors: Cindy and Sandy

Rating: PG-13

Story 4-The Day We Got a Flat Tire

Disclaimer: You can barely count this as a story, but we clearly don't own anything here except the marvelous plot and the sex appeal spray. If you steal that, we'll sue your asses.

_A/N: This takes place in a car. Thought I should make that clear. Doggett and Mulder are sitting in the back...Reyes and Scully are yada yada yada..._

Doggett: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Mulder: ((farts))

Doggett: ((giggles))

Scully: Mulder, did you have to!

Mulder: ((points to a plastic McDonald's Barbie)) It was her!

Reyes: Sure...blame it on an inanimate object!

Doggett: She's not amininint! She's an innocent little girl who wants to grow up to be a popstar like Britney Spears. Just like me! ((gets dreamy look in eye))

Scully: She's halfway there.

Doggett: ((plays Barbie's voice)) I'm not halfway there, I'm all girl! ((looks lovingly at Barbie)) I'm gonna name mine Monica because she's so pretty and delicate.

Reyes: Oh, John.

Mulder: I'm going to name mine Maggie after Scully's mom.

Scully: Why don't you name it after me?

Mulder: A Barbie can't be named after you! Barbies are tall, blonde, and pretty, and they don't wear black!

Scully: ((growls))

Mulder: ((talks "Maggie's" voice)) Wow, Monica! You sure are pretty!

Doggett: ((plays "Monica's" voice)) You are too, Maggie! But you sure had an ugly daughter!

Scully: ((turns around, grabs Monica, breaks her in half and throws her in the back seat))

Doggett: ((grabs Monica and pets her hair)) You'll be alright, Monica. We'll fix you when we get home, just hold on! ((starts to cry))

Reyes: ((turns to face Scully, evilly)) I have some superglue in my purse. ((hands it to him))

—3 hours later—

Monica: Hey, Maggie, wanna go to the mall?

Maggie: I got a better idea...Let's sing!

Doggett: ((Dives in the front seat, shoves CD in. Tries to get back but gets stuck between the front seats)) Ahhh! I'm stuck!

Mulder: ((Tickles Doggett))

Doggett: ((giggles and flies into the back seat)) That tickles!

-Music starts playing-

Mulder and Doggett: ((singing)) I'm a...Slave for you!

-The car "bumps" and...-

Scully: Ahh! A bomb, everyone get down!

((everyone except Scully ducks. The car goes to the side of the road. Everyone sits back up))

Scully: Oh, nevermind, we just got a flat tire.

Doggett: ((ducks)) Ahhh!

Reyes: ((turns around)) That's not scary, moron.

Doggett: Oh...

Reyes: And we don't have a spare! Doggett just HAD to make room for his Pretty Pretty Princess game. ((looks at Scully accusingly))

Mulder: Does that mean we have to walk now?

Scully: It's not my fault! I'm not the little girly man that brings his toys wherever he goes.

Doggett: I have to go tinkle!

Mulder: So we're walking now, right?

Reyes: Well, you're the one who bought it for him in the first place.

Scully: Well it's not like I could forsee this. Besides, I didn't think you'd be dumb enough to take the spare out anyway!

Mulder: I'm gonna start walking.

Doggett: Dashboard, dashboard, dashboard...

Reyes: You could forsee this. That's why you bought it for him.

Doggett: Did you know if you say dashboard enough you start thinking about dashboards? Why do they call them dashboards? Do you dash into them? And where did Mulder go?

Reyes and Scully: He went for a walk!

All: Oh yeah! ((all run up to catch up with him))

—2 miles later—

Scully: Who would've thought we'd find a hotel in the middle of nowhere.

Doggett: ((comes out of bathroom)) I am the happiest boy alive!

Hotel Dude: I'm sorry, we only have one room.

Scully: WHAT! You want me to stay in a room with them? ((looks back at Mulder dancing and singing, Doggett playing with Monica and Maggie, and Reyes banging her head against the wall))

Hotel Dude: I'm sorry ma'am, but...

Scully: I am not married! Don't call me ma'am. Call me miss!

—In the room—

Scully: I'm going to go take a shower now...

Maggie: You shouldn't waste water like that...you're already ugly.

Scully: ((Starts to wrestle Maggie with Mulder's arm still holding her))

-CRACK-

Mulder: Ahh! You broke my arm! ((holds up limp arm)) It hurts.

Doggett: Eww, put it down. It's gross.

Mulder: Nevermind...She just broke Maggie. ((picks up Maggie with "broken" arm)) Reyes, I need your super glue!

-END-


End file.
